And now for something completely different...
Riverwalk Park Farmers Market-14JUN12
The Muse of Columbia, tn,
Dimple of the Universe;
Muletown USA
  and boyhood home of the
11th president of the United States:
         James Knox polk!
We who are about to die in Riverside salute you:
Main Street Corporation and the City of Columbia
for presenting us with charming representations of local culture and refinement
to be so conspicuously displayed by the corporately sponsored, digitally-printed
banners you are going to string along 5th Avenue and across the magnificent    
face-lifted Riverside Bridge leading into our Riverside neighborhood
  like a processional into the grandeur of ancient Rome!
All the entries for the Main Street-Riverwalk Banner Project were
wonderful and we thank all the entrants for their interest in the cultural
development of our historic town...Columbia, Tennessee.

But we don't think any of the selected banners for the
Riverwalk Banner Project
remotely depict life and culture as it actually is over here East of the River in
downtown, inner-city Riverside Neighborhood.
Here's a few of the banner designs that didn't "make the cut" in this open entry
search for truth, beauty and what sets Columbia apart from other primitive,
barbaric, feudal system, closed-economy, cultural Sinkholes of the South.
The Muse of
Simple Assault-Physical Contact
A favorite in Riverside, The Muse of Simple Assault-Physical Contact
is one of the most recurring figures on Police Call Sheets in Riverside.
We're number one!
Columbia Tennessee,
or "The Dimple" as it is affectionately known among
the gentry, is number one in the State of Tennessee
per capita rate of Domestic Violence Abuse
reports among our peasants.

And Riverside neighborhood leads the city as the
most domestically violent neighborhood
of Columbia.

Let's all give ourselves a self-congratulatory pat on
our collective back.
The Muse of Meth Lab
Columbia is one of the highest ranking cities in
Tennessee in Methamphetamine Lab busts;
and Riverside leads the city in that statistic as well.

Well, actually in Riverside some of the labs explode first;
then they get busted.

(insert image of flaming redneck coated in melted
Sundrop bottle green plastic running over the hill
"I gotta git outa here! I'm goin' ta jail!")

That still counts as a bust.

Congratulations Muletown!
Meth Mouth on Parade
and now for something completely different...
The Thurgood Marshall Award
"The Thurgie"
Thurgood Marshall, the first United States Supreme Court Justice of African
descent came to Columbia, Tennessee in 1946 to defend a group of black citizens
charged with a murder occurring during the first "Race Riot" in the United States
following the end of World War II.

Although being first in this respect was an honor in itself, Columbia officials
further distinguished themselves by attempting to legally lynch the young NAACP
attorney from a tree limb by the river.

A local magistrate known for his sensitive nose leaned over to the suspect,  
smelled Marshall's breath and officially declared:
                      "This man has not been drinking."

So Thurgood Marshall, destined to be America's first black Supreme Court Justice
was released by local authorities and not hanged for drinking alcohol in Columbia,

The memories of the brave Columbia authorities who attempted to lynch Thurgood
Marshall are commemorated in the prestigious local award affectionately known as
"The Thurgie."

This honour is presented to local public figures who extraordinarily exemplify the
Spirit of Systematic Oppression of Lower Classes by the Gentrified Ruling Class of
our historic city, Columbia, Tennessee.

The award is not presented on a regular basis; and in some cases the award is
presented in secrecy.
The Muse of
Ruthless Exploitation
of the Entire Lower
Income Demographic
The Muse of
Domestic Violence